Becoming Free of Me
A Book Review, A Lesson on Self-Forgetfulness, and How I Shifted from Self-Focused to Christ-Centered Thinking
Growing up, I always prided myself on being the “good girl.” I obsessed over my grades, read my books, and did my best to stay out of trouble. Not only because I was paranoid of the consequences if I didn’t, but I liked the rewards — straight A’s, affirmation, pride. I learned early on that doing the “right” things got you the “right” results. Goodness is rewarded. In school, goodness was rewarded with A’s. I had yet to learn that, in the real world, you don’t receive a report card for how good you are or how well you’re doing in life.
Sharon Hoddee Miller exposes more of this illusion in her book Free of Me. Miller admits she had a similar experience growing up as the prized teacher’s pet, the nice kid. She noted that most “nice Christian kids” do. Admired and esteemed by their parents and teachers, well-intended praise often becomes an child’s identity and a breeding ground for entitlement. That need for affirmation can become so strong it can morph into an addiction, where confidence falters when it isn’t received.
Sharon shared more of her personal experience with this struggle upon college graduation:
“My confidence continued throughout high school and most of college. It wasn’t until I graduated and wasn’t an instant success that my self-esteem began to flag. I took a job where I was on the bottom run of the ladder, and it made me feel small and unimportant. My pride thrashed against the obscurity of my work, while my self-esteem swayed between entitlement and self-doubt. I was used to being the leader, not the copy machine operator. This can’t be right, right?”
- Sharon Hodde Miller, Free of Me
I found myself answering the same question of God after experiencing much personal and professional failure and disappointment after college and up until recently. I had spent the last several years building a business that never got off the ground while I watched other people who started around that time or afterward experience more success.
Battling burnout, I decided to pivot and go back to school. Three-quarters through my program I secured a high-paying contract doing the work I loved to do. In my eyes, I made it. Breakthrough was finally here. The dry season was finally over… So I thought. I became pregnant shortly after starting that job where I found myself facing pregnancy discrimination. Before I knew it, I became contract-less three months before giving birth to the twins, immediately starting back at square one.
Disillusioned and disappointed, I spent the months following their birth wallowing in despair. After spending several years feeling damned to this valley, I had a lot of questions for God. I didn’t understand. I did well in school. I had a disciplined quiet time routine. I remained a virgin until marriage. I pursued what I believed to be God’s calling on my life. I followed all of the “rules.” Why wasn’t I happy? Why wasn’t I experiencing success? I deserved more.
Overcome by anxiety and comparison, I self-isolated. When friends called to check in, I was too focused on my own problems to genuinely celebrate their wins. Everybody was winning while I was suffering, and slowly I fell prey to the peril of self.
In Free of Me, Miller defines the peril of self as “a slow but steady spiritual death" by self-focus.
“Self-focus hurts our relationships, shrinks our faith, kills our confidence, and ultimately steals our joy. When it creeps into our families, our friendships, and our work, it turns the beautiful into the burdensome.”
Like Miller, I didn’t realize how much self-focus was robbing me of my joy in all areas — my marriage, motherhood, calling, relationships — I saw everything through the rose-colored glasses of self-focus.
It wasn’t until I surrendered my plans and shifted my eyes off myself and my problems and onto Christ that I was able to see God’s goodness and find true joy. This mindset shift is known as self-forgetfulness. Now, before you start side-eyeing me, self-forgetfulness does not literally mean forgetting or neglecting yourself. Miller describes it as a state of mind where you are no longer bound by the tyranny of self and are free to focus on Christ. It’s less about independence and more about greater dependence on God.
Maybe you find yourself where I was dealing with disappointment, failure, rejection, or obscurity, plagued with thoughts that fuel your self-focus. In her book, Sharon Hodde Miller shares how you can pinpoint your insecurities, overcome the sabotage of self-focus, and live a Christ-centered, burden-free life.
I stumbled across this read recently on Kindle Unlimited, but it was so good that I plan to purchase a hard copy. This is one of those timeless truths that I know I will have to be reminded of time after time again.
I would love to know, what have you read recently that has wrecked your life for the better? I am always sharing my current reads over on Goodreads and Instagram. Give me a follow if you’re looking for an encouraging next read. 💌
This was so good. I have definitely felt this way as a mom.