Look Up

Pursuing Peace & Presence in the Messy Middle

I’ve always struggled with the present. Underwhelming and inadequate pretty much sums up how I’ve always viewed the present. The present always paled in comparison to a bright, sparkly, and fulfilling future. Maybe because the present was always marred by the mundane and the mediocre, the materiality of the messy middle.

It started as early as high school, maybe even middle school. Instead of cherishing the present, I longed for a promising future. I used to sing a tune that you might find familiar. It went something like, “I can’t wait until…”

• I graduate from high school

• I move from Ohio

• I have a boyfriend

• I graduate from college

• I have an apartment

But then I did. I would get to the end of my accomplishments and start singing the same tune — “I can’t wait until…”

• I am in the same city as my boyfriend (we were long-distance for five years)

• I get married

• I work for myself full-time

But then I did, and then I…. well you should know the song by now. My desires have never been an anchor but a moving target that edged further away with every accomplishment and new season.

If I’m being honest, not much has changed. Like a broken record, I still find myself singing the same tune — “I can’t wait until…”

• The kids are more independent

• The business is profitable

• My husband’s schedule changes

• We’re financially stable

If I’m being honest, it is hard to make peace with the undoneness of the present while managing and tending to the longings of your heart.

Last week I shared a note on here after putting the kids down for their nap. Like many moms, I always look forward to a much-needed break after an energetically and emotionally taxing morning. I sat down in our recliner that’s facing the window and found myself beginning to sing the same song, “I can’t wait until…” But this time, I heard God say, “Look up.” He showed me something so simple yet so profound.

I shared in my last post that toward the end of summer, I tend to get impatient. Annoyed by the heat and restlessness of long summer days, I begin to crave the coolness and comfort of fall and start daydreaming of cozy, autumn days. So much so that I immerse myself in fall planning — you know Pinteresting fall mood boards, watching fall decor Youtube videos, planning fall menus, almost as if daydreaming and planning will “will” fall into existence. But it doesn’t. Wishing that it were fall won’t make it come any sooner, and wishing that it were fall doesn’t take away from the summer joy that is still present.

The warm (although humid) weather, the long sunkissed days, the family cookouts — these are all things that I love about summer that are fading away with each day. The mornings are getting cooler and very slowly, the leaves are starting to change. The season is changing, but if I don’t take the time to look up, I could miss out on the goodness and beauty that is here before me right now.

Maybe you’re singing the same tune too, “I can’t wait until…” —- fill in the blink. I’m not here to downplay or discredit your longings. I think in part, God places desires within us that remind us of Paradise, our original home in the Garden. Abounding in love, beauty, and provision we lacked nothing. But in our desire to control, we gave up everything, and now we long for that love, beauty, and provision to be restored¹. And it will, but until then we live in the in-between, the messy middle where we must choose to find beauty and presence each day while longing for more.

That’s where I am today. I’m not saying that I won’t ever sing the same song again, but I am challenging myself to create a playlist of new songs. Songs that are something to the tune of….

“I love that…”

“Thank you, Lord, for…”

“ God, you are good.”

Songs of presence and gratitude that remind me to look up and marvel at the present and God’s goodness. I can’t change the season, but I can change my perspective. I can hold onto hope and anticipate the future while pursuing peace and presence in the messy middle. Not by looking back to the past or forward to the future, but by being present, looking up, and noticing the small things God is doing not only around me but in me.

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1. See Genesis 2-3