When Self-Help Ain't Helping

The Pros & Cons of Self-Help & A Gospel-Centered Approach to Personal Growth

There was a time in my past when I would devour all things self-help. Books, podcasts, gurus -- all of them were inspiring, motivating, and convincing. You just had to follow the paved steps, and you would be on your way to living a promising and successful life.

As a doer and rule follower, I was like a dog with a bone — I was chewing it up. It was all I consumed. If it wasn't something that helped me improve or grow, I wasn't reading or listening to it. I went multiple years without listening to music. Self-help podcasts became the soundtrack of my life. While I noticed improvements or adjustments here and there, it never felt enough, not enough to make a significant difference in my desired outcomes.

I figured maybe if I worked harder, did a little more, and became a little more, I would finally crack the code to happiness and success. So I did. I continued this cycle for years -- reading books, listening to podcasts, taking courses, and implementing what I could here and there, and I found myself wondering, I am doing all of the right things, so why isn't this working? Why am I still not happy?

And the crazy thing is, this is all coming from someone who was and (is still in) the self-help industry. I am immersed in this world as a trained coach and organizational psychologist. I have spent the last several years coaching and training others to use their gifts and find meaning and purpose in this turbulent world. Even with a strong sense of meaning and purpose and a solid understanding of my strengths and gifts, along with doing everything I could to "help" myself, I was still coming up short. 

While there is some validity and reliability behind some of these psychological and self-help measures, self-help fails to realize that, in ourselves, we can only "help" or do so much. We have agency and the power to plan, prepare, and influence our outcomes, but we can't control them. We can "romanticize" our lives, but we can't fulfill an eternal longing for wholeness and perfection that lives in our hearts. We can set goals and form new habits, but achieving and sticking to them won't satiate our hunger and desire for more. In ourselves, we can only do so much. But our self-help culture wants us to believe that we can do whatever we put our mind to -- that if we set the right goals, follow the right steps, and think the right thoughts, we can manifest our way to success. 

So, we unknowingly chase after this illusion of success. Before we know it, self-help becomes an idol, where we sacrifice ourselves -- our bodies, health, relationships, families, and souls -- for productivity, accomplishment, and achievement as if our value is solely in our work, our accomplishment -- our output. 

That doesn't mean that goals, habits, purpose, and productivity can't enrich our lives. In psychology, goal-setting and other self-help strategies are essential tools for self-motivation and self-drivenness in both personal and professional contexts. They give us meaning, encourage self-discipline, and help us aim higher. Self-help strategies, when used in moderation, can be beneficial. 

Benefits of Engaging in Self-Help 

• Can be inspiring

• Can help you feel not alone

• Can empower you to take proactive control of your life

• Can open up your mind to explore new avenues, solutions, or possibilities

• Can serve as a powerful tool for targeting specific goals (e.g. losing weight, getting out of debt, eliminating bad habits, etc.) 

However, engaging with self-help can also be damaging when overconsummed or misapplied.

Limitations of Engaging in Self-Help

• Can be distracting or discouraging if not leveraged for a current challenge or goal.

• Can lead to perpetual feelings of discontentment or inadequacy 

• Can be mentally debilitating if not paired with any action or implementation

• Can create cognitive dissonance (i.e. a self-concept that isn’t aligned with your actions or behaviors) if one always reads but doesn't act on change

• Can be a misguided marketing ploy

• Can typically be a one-size-fits-all approach

• Can't offer diagnoses

• Can't take the place of professional services

So, how do we pursue personal growth without being consumed by it?

Remember where your real help comes from.

While we can set goals and create our plans, it is God who orders our steps and causes things to grow (See Proverbs 16:9). He moves beyond ourselves and despite ourselves and our best efforts and intentions. More than our goals, training, or to-dos, His grace empowers us, giving us strength and success to do what He has called us to do. Instead of being tight-fisted with our goals, dreams, and plans, we can hold out our hands in surrender, trusting that as we act in faith, He will faithfully guide our future. 

Mindfully moderate your consumption.

Rather than indulge in every self-help book, guru, and podcast, pick one that directly applies to your goal, challenge at hand, or season of life. As Ryan Dempsey writes in his medium article on the pros and cons of self-help, listening to everything that culture teaches us sets us up for an unfulfilling (and honestly anxious) life, as the self-help industry sometimes preys on feelings of perceived inadequacy or scarcity. 

Level your expectations and check your heart with the Word.

Along with self-help, it can be easy to subscribe to this neo-prosperity gospel way of thinking, where we equate our success with the quality of health, wealth, and prosperity we can achieve. While the Lord gives success, He will not bring it at the expense of our hearts and souls. As with any pursuit, it's critical that, like David, we have a heart check, bringing our motivations, desires, and intentions, asking Him to test and reveal any inconsistencies that don't align with His will and Word. (See Psalm 139:23). 

While self-help strategies can be great tools to enhance your life and experiences, we must not be consumed by them. If these strategies aren't intentionally and wisely applied, what initially started as a tool or intervention can easily become overconsumption and obsession, creating cognitive dissonance and leading to disillusionment and disappointment. Rather than putting all our hope in growth and self-improvement, we must be rooted in contentment and grounded by a healthy expectation of who God is and the part we play in His story. It's not about our purpose, goals, or what we want to accomplish. It's about what He wants to accomplish in us and through us -- restoration, not by self-help but by His Spirit.

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